Same as it ever was

My head is a shuffled deck of cards.

I’ll play whatever hand I immediately see to keep things going, but what I’d really like to do is get all 52 in order for once.

Does anyone ever find the time for that kind of sorting? I’m pretty sure once you learn how to stop the clock and magically produce the extra, you’ve either struck gold (and broken through from complacency to torturous creative fervor in a way that can never fully be undone) or you’ve waited too long and forgot whatever it was you were just dying to have the time to say back when you were first handed that thick stack of potential.

Sometimes the stalling feels delicious – a thousand distractions of normal life stifles the calling of ambition in a way that makes you question what it is you really want – and if it would even be worth it once you got there. The sedated creative mind constantly calls into question the difference between true happiness and settling.

I believe I will never become a “real” writer in the way that I believe I will never be rich. I feign to hope it might actually be possible, but the life lived in between the two points seems foreign, shady and unlikely.

Who knows, maybe we’ll discover all the aces hanging out together somewhere in the middle, instead of tormenting us at the end of the deck.

Science Nonfiction

At one point this weekend, I was running on five hours of sleep and about four different cold medicines, I had a husband throwing up and a dog diahrreaing on my floor, and I was chasing around the only remaining unsick member of the family (Ruby) trying to prevent her from eating/tracking through all the mess.

All I have to say is thank God I lost my sense of smell days ago from all the sinus congestion. It was like that scene from Signs where the little boy doesn’t get killed by the alien because his asthmatic lungs block out the venom.

The last several times I’ve told similar stories, people have told me that it’s good preparation for kids.

This scares me.

My parents may never have grandchildren.