Blue, Blue, Blue Christmas

***NOTE: I just now saw this in draft mode and realized I never worked up the nerve to publish it after I wrote it during Christmas. I figured since everyone is talking about resolutions right now, it’s still relevant. It’s something I don’t really like talking about with others, but maybe putting it out there will be another reminder to me and help as I resolve this year to count my blessings along with my challenges.****

 

God is good, all the time.

I’m writing this now because that is what I feel at this very moment and know to be true. (And sometimes I need the reminder.)

2016 has been one FULL year. That is the best way I can think to describe it. It has been so very challenging and there have been so many times I wanted to just call it a day, curl up in bed, and have a good cry/pass out/while simultaneously drinking wine from a straw because I’m too tired to sit up and drink.

But it has also been SO incredibly full of blessings, the moment I want to give it to exhaustion and self pity, I know how very wrong it would be.

I have a healthy, happy, sweet, wonderful, SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT one year old. I have a one-year old (minus about two months) new job that has made me feel appreciated, intelligent, useful, creative, loved, valued, EXCITED to be there. Everything I could ever ask for, and a schedule that allows me to be home on nights and weekends to spend that precious time with said one year old.

But then after a weekend of catching up on house work and 24/7 full-speed toddler time (every. single. weekend.) with not a babysitter in sight or family member in town to give us a break, I feel drained.

And then from that wearing weekend I go on to have weeks like this. When laundry is everywhere and none of it is clean. And the dishes are endless and I often go home on my lunch break just to reduce the pile up in the sink. And at the end of the day I race home after work to catch 10 minutes of glorious alone time, collapsed on the bed, before my husband gets home with the baby. Only I discover the dog has thrown up on our bed. So I am changing sheets and cursing him when my husband rolls in. And we have nothing to fix for dinner. And the washer now smells weird after I was the sheets. And the baby just shoved dog toy bits in his mouth.2b36f1bb7f495482bf865a97ed55f6cf

And it doesn’t really feel like Christmas, it just feels like a countdown to putting the baby to bed at 7 and collapsing into bed about 7:30 because I’m too tired to really enjoy any sort of “me” time.

And I feel sad because we don’t have enough time off this year to travel and spend the holidays with our families. And I feel lonely. And like there is no relief. And I want things from my parents they are unable to give because of distance and illness and things none of us have any control over.

And in my head is a future so idyllic that nothing in reality could ever live up to it.

But then I remember.

I have a job I love. A husband I love. With a job he loves. And two dogs I love like children. And a happy, healthy child that made my heart grow in ways I didn’t know it could. And we have a nice roof over our heads that we can call our own. Cars we can rely on to get us to work, and trafficless commutes each day. A daycare full of people that love on our little one like one of their own.

How dare I think my life anything less than absolutely wonderful? How dare I be anything but thankful for every minute?

I share the quote in the photo here not because I feel like I’m waiting for God to open a door, but more because I feel like I am in the hallway of life right now. (A crowded middle school hallway after the bell rings and everything is chaos, haha.)

I share it because even when we have trouble seeing it, God is good, all the time.

 

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